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Probably the UK’s biggest selection of solicitor, barrister and lawyer jokes

When it comes to legal humour, here at Solicitors,  Bonallack & Bishop, we reckon we have got UK’s longest and best list of lawyer jokes. We hope you enjoy our range of short, funny one-liners and longer jokes – and do feel free to email us with any good ones we have missed.

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. He is stopped by St Peter and told that heaven did not allow engineers and that he has to go to hell.

The engineer goes to hell and within months they have escalators fitted, bridges across the molten lava, Jacuzzis everywhere and everybody is very happy with him.

God gets to hear about this and phones Satan. “Hey Satan – I hear you have an engineer with you – he’s supposed to be up here with me.

Satan replies that it was St Peter who refused the engineer entry and that he was a great asset to hell and that he was going to keep him.

God gets a bit upset and tells Satan that he will sue him if he doesn’t send the engineer back to him.

Satan replies, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

After years of hard work, Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. While sitting in a deck chair, she recognized a former school classmate, a long-lost friend from her old hometown.

She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: “Hello, Angela. I haven’t seen you in years. What are you doing these days?”

“I’m a lawyer,” whispered Angela. “But don’t tell my mother. She still thinks I’m a prostitute.”

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Sure do,” replied the bartender.

“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator”.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman.”

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

Did you hear about the man who sued an airline company after it mislaid his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

Arguing with a lawyer is like wrestling a pig in mud… Sooner or later you realize that they like it!

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, “We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “It was easy,” said the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

Q: What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick falls off when you are dead.

This guy walked into a bar and shouted for all to hear, “Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”

A man in the back of the bar stood up and shouted back at him “I take exception to that statement and I resent it greatly!”

The first guy said “Are you a Lawyer?”

The man responded “No, I’m an asshole!”

An IT expert asked a user to choose a password of 8 characters.

The user replied: “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”.

“I can see that you are an Solicitor.”

“Yes, you’re right. But how did you know?”

“The answer you gave is 100% accurate and 100% useless.”

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they’re boring.

A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!”

Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated pub discussion about which of their professions is actually the oldest.

The surgeon says: “Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.”

The architect says: “Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than THAT!”

The lawyer smiles and says: “Gentlemen, Gentlemen…who do you think created the CHAOS??!!”

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got £25 between us.”

The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers… we had £100 when we broke in!”

A man asks his Solicitor: ‘If I give you £400, will you answer two questions for me?’

The solicitor replies: ‘Absolutely! What’s the second question?’

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”

Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”

Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has £500 left.”

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £20 note. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasy creatures.

An elderly man, 82, was told by his doctors that he didn’t have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life, his Doctor, his Priest and his Lawyer and says;

“Well today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with £50,000 in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave.”

Well a few days later the man passed on, the doctor said, “I have to admit I kept £10,000 of his money, he owed me lots of private medical bills. But I threw the other £40,000 in.”

The Priest said, “I have to admit also I kept £25,000 for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in.”

The Lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “I am surprised at you two.  I wrote a cheque for the whole amount and threw it in.”

A lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

“What do you mean,” he replied, “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?”

“45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.

“Wait a minute… I’m only 45, I can show you my birth certificate.”

“Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…”

Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

A lawyer passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodation. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only option was to appeal.

The lawyer immediately said that he intended to appeal, but was then told he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The lawyer protested that a three year wait was ridiculous, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change the venue to Hell.

When the lawyer asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges.”

Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”

“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer calmly replied. “I only have to outrun you.”

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: “Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.”
The architect says: “Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than THAT!”
The lawyer smiles and says: “Gentlemen, Gentlemen…who do you think created the CHAOS??!!”

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?

A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys

Q. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A. A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.

So one of their volunteers called the lawyer to ask for a donation, saying “our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn’t you like to give back to your community through charitable donation?”

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: “First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?” Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbles, “Uh, no.”

“Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?” The stricken volunteer begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

“Thirdly, that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful traffic accident,” the lawyers voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?”

The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, says simply, “I had no idea.”

The lawyer then says “…and if I don’t give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?”

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A: A vampire only sucks blood at night

The NHS has announced that it will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use solicitors. They have given three reasons for this decision:

1. There are now more solicitors than there are rats.

2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the solicitors as they did to the rats.

3. No matter how hard you try to find something , there are no things that solicitors won’t do.

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.”

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most – his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.

He told them, “I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.”

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took £10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put £20,000 in the coffin.”

The physician then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full £30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost £20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then. I used £20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”

The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full £30,000.”

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day.

The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a cheap B&B.

The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates.

The lawyer was somewhat taken a back, and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodation.” St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and we’re really very bored with them. We’ve never had a lawyer.”

“Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge”- David Mellor, British Conservative politician

Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?

A: A great place to start.

Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman Pinscher.

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.

The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!” The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favour to the snake.

After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”

Q: Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks?

A: Deep down, they’re much nicer people.

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed “Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.” The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked “Mommy, why did they bury two men there?”

A  lawyer was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a house in the country.

Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend to spend a week or two up at his place.

One year, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for breakfast.

As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge bears – a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.

His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his car, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

“He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. “That’s the one who ate my friend.”

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

“What did you do that for!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!”

“Exactly,” replied the sheriff. “would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

The first said, ‘I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered.’

The second said, ‘I think librarians are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.’

The third said, ‘I like to operate on electricians; you open them up and everything inside is color-coded.’

The fourth surgeon said, ‘I like Engineers…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…’

The fifth one said, ‘I like to operate on lawyers; they’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable’.

Rodney sat in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the attorney asked.  “Give me the bad news first,” said Rodney.

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,” said the attorney. “That’s the bad news?” asked Rodney incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.” “It’s of you and your mistress,” replied the attorney.

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A. Their lips move.

Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A. Cut the rope.

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A. Take your foot off his head.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

It was so cold one February day in Aberdeen that I saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pocket.

What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

A couple on their way to their wedding were involved in a fatal car crash. On arriving at the pearly gates they are asked to wait in a queue to be seen. Whilst waiting they realise that they are very disappointed at having missed the opportunity to marry and wonder if they could get married in Heaven.

When it is their turn to register they ask St Peter if they could marry in Heaven. St Peter is dumbfounded and says “I don’t know, no one has ever asked that before, if you wait here I’ll go and find out for you”.

The couple sit back down to wait. After two months waiting on their bench they begin to re-examine the question again. “Should we get married?”, “what if it doesn’t work out?”, “what with the eternal nature of Heaven would we have to stay married forever?”, “could we get a divorce?”  They determine that they will ask St Peter and continue to wait for another month for his return.

After a three month wait St Peter finally returns and tells the couple “Good news you can marry in Heaven!” The couple reply by saying that they had had lots of time to think about it and were unsure if they in fact wanted to marry. They were worried about eternity, they then asked “can we divorce in Heaven?” St Peter goes red in the face and very tense. “What is it?” the couple asks. St Peter throws his clip board down on the floor and shouts “Oh COME ON!  Now you are just taking the mickey.  It took me three months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it would take me to find a Lawyer?”

The serious bit

Despite the attempt at humour above, dealing with a legal problem is no joke.

Here at Bonallack & Bishop we represent a full range of private and business clients both locally around our offices in Salisbury, Fordingbridge Andover and Amesbury – but also regionally and nationally.

And as well as dealing with a full range of High Street law firm legal issues, we also have a number of niche services where we have a national reputation, including lease extension, freehold enfranchisement, professional negligence, medical negligence claims and acting for property investors.

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